Fried Food Fiasco

click this line if you can't hear the MIDI

Boofy:

Surgeon General, Dr. Judd Hamhock, announces this morning at the headquarters of the Centers for Diet Control and Promotion in Atlanta, Georgia, that the CDC will be implementing a new, more aggressive set of guidelines for eating establishments across the nation to promote healthier, fresher food choices on their menus as an effort to curtail the rise of obesity-related diseases among Americans, particularly those from the Bible Belt, or the 'Bloated Belt' as they are now called - this is part of a recently launched Anti-Bloat Belt of America campaign, the ABBA. (takes deep breath)

Foofy:

Wow.

Boofy:

Yes, Foofy, (glances at paper) Reading the fax the CDC sent to us just minutes ago, it's a pretty tough set of guidelines.

Foofy:

No. I meant "wow" as in you said all that in one sentence.

Boofy:

Oh.

Foofy (scratches chin):

No wonder you're lead anchor.

Boofy (rolls eyes):

Some of these suggestions include the exclusion of all fried foods, less cooking time on the grill, and decreasing the amount of oils when macerating.

Foofy:

But you can't macerate properly without oils.

Boofy:

Agreed.

Foofy:

And what about grilling? Five years ago, grilled food was the new diet food. Now it's bad for you?

Boofy:

I believe it's the over-cooking of meats on the grill. Some like their wieners well done and burnt.

Foofy:

The crunchy part is the best.

Boofy:

Also agreed. But experts say the crunchy part is cancer-causing. You know, carcinogens.

Foofy:

And what is the general response to these new set of guidelines?

Boofy:

Perfect timing, Foofy. Here's Chocolata Almond Cookie in front of the CDC Headquarters in Atlanta right now with a group of demonstrators. Chocolata?

Chocolata:

The response has been confounding. It is rumored that popular local chef Emeril Lagasse, notorius butter and oil abuser, will be appearing to make a statement to the reporters.

Foofy (mumbles to Boofy):

Isn't Emeril Lagasse from Lousianna?

Boofy (mutters back):

Same difference.

Chocolata (continues):

Meanwhile, here next to me is Juan Relleno, owner of a local taco stand. (turns to Juan) These guidelines do not affect latin foods or the preparation of latin foods. Juan, can you tell us why you are here?

Juan:

ABBA is an attack on the minorities of this country.

Chocolata:

How do you mean?

Juan:

Masa is made from lard.

Foofy:

It is?

Boofy:

(shrugs)

Juan (continues):

How can you have a good tamale without a good masa? It be like telling you to stop eating cornbread or biscuits and gravy -- (interrupted by another demonstrator)

Demonstrator #1:

Death to ABBA!

Chocolata:

Um, and your name, sir?

Demonstrator #1:

My name is Henry Futomaki. I am from A World of Lunches, an organization that promotes multi-cultural foods in the South.

Boofy:

AWOL? Ever heard of them, Foofy?

Foofy (stuffs a Krispy Kreme donut into pocket and shakes head):

Unh-uh.

Demonstrator #1:

If we obeyed these ludicrous guidelines, there'd be no more fried rice, fried bananas, fried tofu, fried tomatoes --

Foofy:

Don't care for tofu, be it fried or not.

Boofy (nods):

I'd miss fried rice, though.

Foofy:

To my knowledge, fried rice isn't fried -- it's more of a pan fry, which is really a sort of saute...

Demonstrator #1 (continues):

-- chicken fried steak, fried calamari, fried wontons, fried frog legs, fried -- (interrupted by another demonstrator)

Demonstrator #2 (holds a huge bucket over his head):

It's soul food or no food!

(screams into the camera and pour contents of bucket over head)

Chicken and waffles forever!

Foofy:

Chocolata, what is happening over there?

Boofy (looking concerned):

Can you hear us?

Chocolata:

Apparently, an African-American demonstrator and a few members of AWOL brought buckets of lard with them and have now poured it over themselves in protest. What a greasy mess! Back to you boys.

Foofy:

Hm. (turns to Boofy) What are chicken and waffles?

Boofy:

It's southern fried chicken eaten with hot waffles in maple syrup -- a staple in the south-western parts of this country.

Foofy (wrinkles nose):

Odd combination.

Boofy:

Really, Foofy, You need to get out more.

Foofy:

Now a word from our sponsors while we wait for Chocolata Almond Cookie to come back with essence guru, Emeril Lagasse.