Shout it from the Mountains on out to the Sea...

click this line if you can't hear the MIDI

Today, Terror Experts decided that yesterday's terror scare about four Chinese people being smuggled into the country from Mexico who were headed to Boston after a stopover in New York to nuke the city were...wrong.

Oops.

Turns out the four are probably just members of a rival gang and not terrorists at all.

So, gang members, not terrorists.

Right. And they're pissed. Mr. Lin, in an anonymous statement sent to authorities by yesterday's phone caller said, "Just because we're gang members doesn't mean we're terrorists. We may be gang members, but we're patriotic gang members and would never think of nuking Boston. We love baked beans."

Ms. Chen, in a similar anonymous statement added, "Yeah, and I still haven't seen Rent."

So, if you see any of these four people. Ignore them. They aren't terrorists, they're only gang members.

"The survival of liberty at home depends on the success of liberty abroad," thus spake our President today at his inauguration. In fact, he said the word liberty 300 times in a roughly 2500 word speech.

Said the words freedom and free a lot.

Yep. About 350 times.

Hard to argue with Liberty and Freedom. Heard the word enemy more than once, also. The psychiatric world would have a field day with those word associations. What else did he say?

Not much. He's no John F. Kennedy you know. (suddenly worried) Boofy? What is it?

I MISS PRESIDENT CLINTON!

Get hold of yourself! We're on the air. Get drunk later.

Ahem. Right. Sorry. In other news. Laura's gown is a GREAT improvement over the one she chose for the last inauguration -- a gorgeous slinky, silvery shimmery thing that effectively wipes out the memory of 'The Blue Horror of Four Years Past' as the fashion-conscious among us have termed it.

Vice-President Cheney was on 'Imus in the Morning' today and said that he was 'greatly concerned' about Iran.

"After all we've got all that equipment and whatnot over there anyway."

When do we invade?

Not certain. Not sure we have enough uniforms for everybody. And then we have to buy all those guns. Rumsfield said he'll look into it when he gets a chance. He doesn't see any reason we can't use the same trucks and ammo and stuff they're using in Iraq.

"It's a matter of being smart in their deployment. We'll just rotate the stock. You know, use the stuff in Iraq on odd days, then in Iran on even days. It worked in the seventies during the gas crisis and, by god, it'll work in the middle-east. The two countries are only separated by one letter of the alphabet, you know."

Oh. Smart man, that Rumsfield.

Yes. Senator Joe Biden of Delaware is crazy about him. He told Condoleeza Rice that Mr. Rumsfeld doesn't know 'What the hell he's talking about with this stuff'...or something to that effect.

Well...that's reassuring. That's who we want at the helm of our nation's Defense - a man who doesn't know what the hell he's talking about. Are we going to Chocolata Almond Cookie?

Nope. Still shopping. She called from her cell, told me the Inaugural Day sales were amazing. She got a great deal on little plastic Presidential Action Figures with removable swords.

I hope we have a sponsor tonight. I'm worried I won't get a paycheck this week.

Don't worry. Instafood is back. Realized that with this administration, they better make some hay or change their name to Halliburton.

In that case, I'm buying. Wanna get a beer?

With a scotch chaser. Lead on, I'll get the lights.