Pernicious Pachyderm Piracy

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In Thailand's Khao-Ang Rue-Ni wildlife sanctuary, yet another truck loaded with sugar cane was ambushed today by the infamous Tapas Elephant Band. This group, a minor offshoot of the Gazpacho Cartel who claim the forest near the Cambodian Border as their personal turf, have become a force with which the park rangers need to reckon.

Wow! I'll say. This happens every year during the dry season. They have no shame. They're known to go for anything -- tapioca, tropical fruit, even boxes of those revolving Minas Tiriths from the hit movie Return of the King with the light up Flaming Denethor nose-diving from the parapet.

Really?

Yep! They get great prices for them on eBay.

Seriously? How much?

Well, modern movie paraphanalia like that are collector items you know. Only like five or ten million of them being made, maybe more, so everybody wants to get in on them while the market's hot and they're still available. They probably get twice their worth at least - you know, Five or Ten pesetas a pop. That series of movies has like 200 million rabid, crazed fans who'll buy anything having to do with it, so there's a big rush to get the things. You know, people like that guy who's been sitting in line waiting for the release of the Star Wars movie for weeks? He did the same thing for all the Lord of the Ring movies.

You're kidding me, right? If he spends all his days waiting for movies to open, where does he earn the money?

Oh, you can't do anything that nuts without the support of family, friends and other rabid, crazed fans...maybe the guy collects welfare checks. Somewhere, somehow, he'll find the money to waste spend on plastic stuff like that made by kids in China who'll never get chance to own the things themselves or see the movie or...

(starts to foam at mouth. Boofy hands him a valium.)

Known for their stealth methods, the elephants set their traps at dusk. They send out a stooge, dressed as an old lady on a cane. As the truck approaches, the 'Old Lady' Elephant flings herself into the middle of the roadway, causing the truck driver to slam on his brakes and exit the vehicle to see if he's killed the little dear.

Deer? Didn't you say elephant?

Concentrate, Foof. Concentrate. Yes. Elephant. In a shawl with a cane.

Sugar cane.

Never mind.

Once the driver exits the vehicles, the rest of the gang move in, grabbing whatever loot they can find -- papaya, mango, fruit roll-ups, gummy bears and those Minas Tirith thingies.

(Looks puzzled)

I don't get it, Boof. They're normally so placid and peaceful. What's the deal?

For that, we go do our correspondent in the field, Chocolata Almond Cookie. Chocolata, what can you tell us?

I'm hunkered in a bunker awaiting a band of the beasties to finish their business and move on. Thai officials tell us the elephants are desperate for food and water. Both are scarce during the dry season, so the pachyderms are forced to a well-planned program of pillaging to procure their papaya.

I don't understand, why doesn't the Thai government just drop ship it to them instead of going through the 'unsuspecting truck/ambushed driver' routine.

It's a matter of honor among the elephants, Boofy. Their habitat has been so curtailed, that they like to think they have some control over their future. So the Thai government hires actors and trucks and let's the elephant have their way with them. As soon as officials with spotlights arrive, the elephants move off. It's a Mexican standoff, so to speak.

I don't get it. Why go through all of that? Why not negotiate. What do the elephants want?

This land used to belong to them.

Have they done a title search?

No. There's no need. An elephant never forgets. Besides, they're trying to keep lawyers out of this. You know how things go to hell in a hand basket once lawyers get involved.

Then what's with the 'Do Not Feed the Elephant' signs?

Strictly for the tourists, Boof. Also to prevent litigation, although the question of whether it's truly sufficient given the current state of disclaimer law is open to question.

But why run the road right through the middle of the sanctuary? Wasn't that inviting trouble?

The Thai army cut the road through the 100,000-hectare sanctuary in the 1980s to facilitate the flow of supplies to insurgents along the Cambodian border.

So the elephants are just another prawn in the International Game of Checkers.

Looks like it. They've few options, Boofy. those who choose to leave the sanctuary end up eking out a living as tourist attractions or roam the streets of Bangkok, begging for their bananas, or huddling in alleyways, Thai-ing wan on. The government thinks this is a cheaper and healthier solution than paying for a 12-step program for pachyderms.

I suppose so. Must save them a fortune in the cost of replacing the folding chairs alone.

Yes, breakage was a problem, hence the 'Marauding Elephant Band' wink wink nudge nudge. It also tends to keep the insurgents on their side of the forest. They are loathe to tangle with the pachyderms. You know, you can never tell with insurgents, hard to know where they'll pop up next.

So the elephants act as an insurgent deterrent?

Something like that, Boof. Back to you.

In other news, pirate penguins plague Prague. But first a word from our sponsor.